Little Tea Time Writings

How Frightening It Can Be

It sounds so weird to say that you are scared or even frightenied when you have something you really want so close to you that you can just reach out and take it. But it is true for me with Internship that I could actually love and enjoy and for my friend with her wedding.

It is a feeling of fear when you are afraid that you are not good enough and that you will fuck up like no one before you and that you are not suitable not competent enough for it and that you just do not have the talent and what not to do it. It is the kind of fear that comes when you want something but you are also afraid to go and get it because what then? What if it will not what you thought it will be? WHat if it will not be like you imagined? What If you are not good enough? What if it is not for you? What will you do when you get it? What if it is better to have as dream?

It is the kind of good and bad fear. Good because it shows up when you care about something – person, job or thing. If it is the still the good one you will go after that thing because that fear is partly excitiment because you want it and being afraid is healthy, shows that you are not over confident and it shows you care about not fucking up. The good fear is also the excitiment you feel when there is something new and you know you will start from scratch even if you already know the person or even if you already had a similar job or even if you know that you might have what it takes to do the job. The good kind of fear will not keep you from going after what you want and trying it, it will be there as reminder to you that you really do not want to mess up and that you are just human and as such you are no way near beingperfect – so it is ok to be afraid and even fuck up from time to time.

The bad kind of fear is the one that keeps you from going after what you want and you may even hear those who told you that you are not good enough, that you should be realistic and that you probably will not make a living out of this.  This fear will cause you to stop and take something else because what you want is just a nice dream and it should stay like that. The bad fear will later in you life be the reminder of what you wanted but did not try to get, even if you messed up, and maybe you will be sad or you will beat yourself up for it.

Being afraid is natural, fear shows us we are alive and human and that there are unknown things and situations and we have to learn how to deal with them. But it is weird when it shows up when something you want is withing reach for you because you should be happy. And even harder it is to talk about it because you need someone who is going through the same because you will not be able to fully explain why you feel like that when you are supposed to be happy…

Sometimes having something you really want so close to you can be even more frightening than facing something you hate and dealing with it.. maybe today we are more used to get what we do not want and face what we hate then to actually get something we want so much that it hurts.. maybe it is because for some reason we believe that all the stars and role models we have are somehow  special and different from us normal people… we forget that we just put them on pedestal and if we take them down and look at them we can see that they are just like us – humans with fears and emotions and anxieties and pains of their own…

Being afraid and frigtened is normal it is mechanism that warns you to be careful but also mechanism that tells you that you care so much that you want to be careful and do your best.. it reminds us we are humans…

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One thought on “How Frightening It Can Be

  1. This nature you have has been shaped over a long period of time. You recognize it is there. You don’t have to accept it. You can change it. 2 steps forwarrd and 1 1/2 steps back, but it can be done.

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